One Year Ago Today …

I lost my marriage, my best friend, my house, my ability to be a stay-at-home mom, my stability, my future … my life.

One hour-long conversation with my now ex-husband and everything in my life was unexpectedly and horrifically different.

This is not a post of wallowing, but of remembrance. A look back to see how far I’ve come, where the Lord provided for me. Or where I still need a lot of prayer and encouragement.

Marriage–the dissolution went as well as it could, really. I’m thankful there wasn’t anger and bitterness and fighting on each side. We’ve done the best we could to work together for the kids.

Best friend–the void left by his departure opened my world up to new people. In the past year, a handful of new friends have become very close. They care about me, pray for me, worry about me, and encourage me. If Kevin hadn’t left, I wouldn’t have developed these new friendships in the same way.

House–still in the same house, and not in debt yet, which is a truly a miracle. I love watching the kids take off into the forest, love knowing we’re safe in a way because of our seclusion, love the beauty of this place, love the ease of entertaining here. But it’s also been the biggest weight to carry. Instead of working to get ahead, or feeling satisfaction in moving forward, I work as many hours as I can to barely make it. (Like so many people in the current economy.) It feels like my efforts disappear into the past instead of build a future.

SAHM–I miss enjoying my kids. Don’t get me wrong; I still carve time to really play with them or listen to them. Unfortunately, a lot of the time I spend with them is split between cooking or homework or housework or writing work. It’s much more difficult to give them undivided attention when I’m playing the role of both parents in their day-to-day life. This is NOT a I-don’t-like-to-work whine, because I find subbing/writing/editing to be extremely satisfying. It IS a man-I-had-it-good declaration.

Stability–still gone. Everything remains in flux. Which means that flux itself is the only thing not in flux. 😉

Future–God knows what it holds, but I don’t. Will I keep subbing as long as this license will let me, or go back for my Master’s and be a “real” teacher? Will I go into a completely different field? Will my next book sell and build on the readership I’ve already gained this last year?

Life–“Angel’s” adoption is moving right ahead, so I do know that my future holds another child! I have a wonderful boyfriend who prays for me, supports me, and refreshes me … yet he and I openly acknowledge that God might very well call us to part ways at some point.

1 Samuel 7:12 (NIV)says, “Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, ‘Thus far has the LORD helped us.'”

Please pray for my family this next day. A year ago we experienced the worst stress of our lives, but we want to focus on all that we have, not all we lost. The lyrics to this song are perfect for capturing my feelings today. Enjoy!

(If you’re reading this on facebook and the video was stripped, here’s the link.)

12 Responses to One Year Ago Today …

  1. Portia February 8, 2010 at 9:58 pm #

    Christina–

    Your post brought me to tears– I admire your strength and your open truthfulness about the past year and your amazing future.

    I will lift you and your family in prayer.

    Love,
    Portia

  2. Sherrie Ashcraft February 8, 2010 at 10:28 pm #

    What a beautiful, open post, Christina. Just like you!!
    Love you so very, very much!
    ~Mom

  3. Anonymous February 9, 2010 at 12:02 am #

    Christina, “Christ in a”(n) amazing woman-
    You have blessed me so much this past year as I have witnessed God uphold you and strengthen you for each day. Only He could bring you through something like this in the way He has. I know there have been some hard days (and I’m sure there will be more!), but continue to cling to the Truth that you know and love. You are speaking volumes with your life to those around you and it’s clearly saying “God is Awesome!” I love you, my sweet friend! ~Amy :o) (ps- I can’t seem to get my Google acct to open, so I’m publishing anonymously, but it’s me…)

  4. Sharlene MacLaren February 9, 2010 at 12:57 am #

    Christina, I just posted to your Facebook page, but then I came here and read your full blog. I want to echo what I wrote over there. (What did I write? ha!) Anyway, it was all good, and let me just add this:

    GOD IS NEVER FINISHED WITH THE FULLY SURRENDERED HEART! You, my dear, have many exciting places to go and thing to do for God’s Kingdom and for His glory and honor.

    I can hardly wait to see how your life continues to unfold, as I know you will take the hurts of your past and use them to help a world of hurting women and girls.

    You stay true to your writing passions and purposes. They are God-given, heart-driven!

    Love and Big Warm Hugs!

  5. Nikole Hahn February 9, 2010 at 8:16 am #

    I hope things get better for you, but am so glad you and your ex are working to keep the bitterness out for the sake of the kids. I can tell you as a child from a divorced parent, bitterness mars a child for years. :o) Great post.

  6. Jen February 9, 2010 at 9:06 am #

    Christina- said a thousand times before, and never get tired of it, you are an amazing woman with the biggest heart ever. I love you to pieces!

  7. Judy Gann February 9, 2010 at 9:07 am #

    Christina, you have a beautiful way of sharing your heart. I’m looking forward to all God has planned for you in the future. (Jer. 29:11)

  8. Jessica February 9, 2010 at 9:34 am #

    I hope things go better and better for you. 🙂

  9. Ashley Weis February 9, 2010 at 10:23 am #

    Great post and perspective. Love you girl!

  10. christicorbett February 9, 2010 at 11:10 am #

    You are an amazing woman.
    Christi

  11. Susan J. Reinhardt February 9, 2010 at 4:05 pm #

    Hi Christina –

    I love your positive, grateful attitude. Praying for you and your family.

    Blessings,
    Susan 🙂

  12. quietspirit February 10, 2010 at 11:14 am #

    Christina:
    God has been with you in all this. He has kept and your family you safe.
    Divorce is akin to death,it is a death of a relationship, and of a family.
    You and your ex are wise in trying to do things in light of the impact on your children.

    I,also, will be praying for you and your children.